how to deal with "Stop, i Don’t want to Talk about It"

The elephant in the room can be a covert agenda or one unspoken problem.

posted July 20, 2015 | reviewed by Jessica Schrader


We all recognize the family member, spouse, lover, or girlfriend whose actions falls into what us perceive together the passive-aggressive category. When a situation arises the begs for a discussion or resolution—whether simple or complicated—they will ignore you, walk away, or storm out saying, “I don’t want to talk about it.” Usually, this pipeline you with pent-up anger because the situation remains unresolved and also you feel insulted.

Very often, passive-aggressive civilization have a covert agenda problem however even they can not acknowledge this. Because that example, they can want something indigenous you, however do no express it or they are unsure around how to express it. So once a difficulty arises, he or she may adopt this “I don’t want to talk about it" stance.

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It"s always about you!

Or as can be the situation with younger couples, she may say, "I feeling this relationship is coming to be one-sided. It"s always about your needs." and he gets into his car and drives off. The problem here is the neither one knows how to technique the elephant in the room.

An interesting instance of just how damaging this have the right to be come a relationship pertained to me by opportunity one night at a social gathering. A young man said come me, "You write around relationships, right?” then without acquisition a breath he blurted out: "She desires me to it is in a psychic reader. I don"t desire to check out her mind. As soon as something is dorn I want her to tell me. If ns ask she what the trouble is, she storms out saying, ‘I don’t desire to talk around it.’ Or she’ll say, ‘You just don’t acquire it.’”

Your decision and also what come do around it

Words pat a an essential role in the method men and also women move in and out the a relationship. While men see sniping and also biting words together masking covert agendas, and also oftentimes lock do, women frequently say to me that their biting remarks are a reaction to your man’s passive-aggressive behavior.

Here is exactly how the young male who inquiry me for assist solved his own difficulty in a quite ingenious means —with his brand-new car manual:

“I said to she one day, "Take a look in ~ this. It"s a vehicle manual. Watch these symbols? every one points come a problem. ~ do so I"m a car. Show me what"s wrong. Do a list of what you want. I"ll try to solve it. But don"t save telling me that "I don"t get it," because I don"t."

Then, rather sadly, that added, "What she doesn"t get is that we are both shedding this battle."

Five thoughts that could help:

Create a safety zone within her home—call it the serenity spot. When the two of friend seem to be in conflict, wait till emotions settle and also suggest a three-minute talk in the for sure place.

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Explain that you are puzzled by the reaction to a situation and what could you have actually said come have developed a far better atmosphere for a dialogue—without saying, “You perform this come me all the time.”Wait because that the warm of an argument to pass and use the vehicle manual instance or other that will resonate from the human being of organization or sports.
Refuse to be bullied right into believing that the difficulty is her fault. Calmly describe the facts without drama or accusations. Perhaps also say, “There’s this elephant in the room. Us both recognize it"s there. However we don"t want to speak about. We"re on other sides that the elephant and I can not seem to reach you.”
Write a note or leaving a card the says, “When you storm out, the is hurtful. Have the right to we discuss what I said that motivated your anger and how we could resolve this in the future?”

Both men and also women with hidden agendas might be harboring contradictory wishes that they are afraid come share—which is whereby "I don"t desire to talk about it" comes in. So instead they sulk. Because that example, in questions about their relationship: She wants to it is in married. He wants companionship through no commitments. She desires security. He just wants a sex-related partner. She desires to retire and garden. He desires to travel. Both to speak nothing and they beat the game or once one of them brings up the subject, the other says, "I don"t want to talk about it."

If a human being in our stays disappoints us once or twice, it can be understandable. Yet what happens if it becomes a pattern? It deserve to only become a pattern if you allow it come happen. To safeguard yourself and maintain self-respect, speak something, in a kind yet firm way. Seek marital counseling together a means to save your relationship.

And if this habits occurs v a friend, and you shed that friend because he or she is insulted the you speak up, let the human being go. Have actually a great cry. Then move on. To express gratitude that you have been freed to uncover a connection in i m sorry the two of you lug out the finest in each other.

(You may wish to check out the fence of texting love and also revisit the movie, "Sideways," in once Love is Rejected: 8 methods to cope in a texting World.)

Confronting Passive Aggressive behavior | Psychology today / Signe Whitson L.S.W. On might 04, 2013 in Passive aggressive Diaries