NOTE: The "Funniest joke in the World" walk NOT translate into English. It"s some made-up gibberish words combined in through some actual German native in a ideal sentence structure, however it doesn"t average anything, so don"t stroked nerves trying to decipher it. Besides, if you regulated that you"d most likely die laughing.

You are watching: Wenn ist das nunstück git und slotermeyer? ja! beiherhund das oder die flipperwaldt gersput

(Opening Scene: A suburban home in a boring spring street. Zoom right into upstairs window. Major documentary music. Inner of tiny room. A bent number (Michael Palin) huddles end a table, writing. The is surrounding by bits that paper. The camera is situated encountering the guy as the writes with enormous concentration lining his unshaven face.)

Voice Over: This guy is Ernest Scribbler... Writer the jokes. In a couple of moments, that win have actually written the funniest hoax in the world... And, together a consequence, he will die ... Laughing.

(Ernest stop writing, pauses to look at what he has written... A smile gradually spreads across his face, transforming very, an extremely slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... That staggers come his feet and also reels across room helpless through mounting mirth and also eventually collapses and also dies ~ above the floor.)

Voice Over: it was noticeable that this joke was lethal... No one might read it and also live ...

(Ernest"s mom (Eric Idle in drag) enters. She sees that dead, she offers a little cry that horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the item of record in his hand and picks that up and reads it between her sobs. Automatically she breaks out right into hysterical laughter, leaps 3 feet into the air, and also fa11s under dead without an ext ado. Reduced to news form shot the commentator stand in former of the house.)

Commentator: This morning, shortly after eleven o"clock, comedy to win this little house in Dibley Road. Suddenly ...violent ... Comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and also Scotland Yard"s crack inspector is through me now.

Inspector: ns shall enter the house and attempt to eliminate the joke.

(About currently an upstairs home window in the home is fiung open and a doctor, rears his head out, hysterical through laughter, and dies hanging over the home window sill. The commentator and the inspector watch up and also then proceed as if lock are provided to such sights.)

Inspector: i shall be aided through the sound that sombre music, played on gramophone records, and additionally by the chanting of laments through the guys of Q division ... (Inspector points to a grouo of dour feather policemen was standing nearby) The environment thus produced should protect me in the eventuality of me analysis the joke. He offers a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead march is heard. The inspector squares his shoulders and bravely start walking into the house.

Commentator: there goes a brave man. Even if it is he comes out alive or not, this will certainly surely be remembered as among the many courageous and gallant acts in police history.

(The inspector suddenly shows up at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the hoax aloft. He collapses and also dies. Cut to movie of army vans driving along dark roads.)

Voice Over: the was not long prior to the military became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the hoax was hurried come a conference of Allied commanders at the set of War.

(Cut to door in ~ Ham House: Soldier on guard concerns attention as dispatch driver hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: "Conference. No Admittance".) Dispatch nider rushes in. A door opens up for him and closes behind him. Us hear a mighty roar the laughter... . Collection of doomphs together the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier external does not relocate a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Monitor in come slit to watch moustachioed peak brass peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: height brass were impressed. Exam on Salisbury Plain shown the joke"s disastrous effectiveness in ~ a selection of as much as fifty yards.

(Cut come shot looking the end of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms with slit come distance wherein a solitary figure is was standing on the windswept plain. That is a bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (Terry Jones) spring cold and miserable. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers space at their positions next to a blackboard on one easel spanned with a cloth. Reduced in come corporal"s face- registening complete lack of comprehension and stupidily. Man on height of pillbox tide flag. The soldiers disclose the joke to the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and also dies. Two watching generals are really impressed.)

Generals: Fantastic.

Cut come a Colonel talk to camera.

Colonel: All with the winter that "43 we had actually translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and create a German version of the joke. They functioned on one word every for higher safety. Among them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart native that points went quite quickly, and we soon had actually the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn"t understand but which the Germans could.

(Cut to a trench in the Ardennes. Members the the hoax brigade space crouched holding pieces of paper with the hoax on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was very first told come the foe in the Ardennes...

Commanding NCO: phone call the ... Joke.

Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Pan out of the brothers trench across war-torn landscape and come to remainder where may be the German trench is. Over there is a pause and then a team of Germans behind up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a an excellent success. Over sixty thousand times as an effective as Britain"s great pre-war joke ...Cut come a movie of Chamberlain brandishing the "Peace in our time" bit of file ... And one which Hider simply couldn"t match.

Film the Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles room superimposed. SUBTITLE: "MY DOG"S got NO NOSE" A young soldier responds: SUBTITLE: exactly how DOES the SMELL? Hitler speaks: SUBTITLE: AWFUL"

Voice Over: In activity it was deadly.

(Cut come a little squad through rifles making their means through forest. Suddenly among them look at something and also gives signal at which they every dive because that cover. From the sheathe of a tree the reads out joke.)

Corporal: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder dice Flipperwaldt gersput!

(Sniper drops laughing out of tree.)

Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder dice Flipperwaldt gersput.

(They hymn the joke. Germans are placed to fight laughing, part dropping to ground.)

Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a German hospital and also a ward full of casualties tho laughing hysterically. Reduced to Nazi interrogation room. One officer indigenous the hoax bngade has actually a irradiate shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; an additional stands behind him.)

Nazi: Vott is the big joke?

Officer: I have the right to only give you name, rank, and also why walk the chicken overcome the road?

Nazi: That"s not funny! (slaps him) i vant to understand the joke.

Officer: all right. Just how do you make a Nazi cross?

Nazi: (momentarily fooled) i don"t recognize ... Just how do you do a Nazi cross?

Officer: Tread ~ above his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)

Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That"s not funny! (mimes cuffing that while the other Nazi claps his hands to administer the sound effct) currently if girlfriend don"t call me the joke, i shall hit girlfriend properly.

Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Nazi: Ah ... You"re no fun. Every right, Otto.

(Otto beginning tickling the officer that starts laughing,)

Officer: five no - anything yet that please no, every fight I"ll phone call you.

(They stop tickling him)

Nazi: rapid Otto. The typewriter.

(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces item of record out of his breast pocket and also reads.)

Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.

(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!

(Nazi burts right into laughter and also dies. A German guard bursts in with machine gun, The brothers officer leaps top top the table.)

Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder dice Flipperwaldt gersput.

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. Brothers officer renders his escape. Reduced to a movie of German researchers working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: yet at Peenemunde in the loss of "44, the Germans were functioning on a joke of their own.

(A German general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind that stands Otto, labelled "A different Gestapo Officer". Bespectacled German scientist/joke writer beginning room. The clean his throat and also reads from card.)

German Joker: dice ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel uber und der bitte schon ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. "Nein" sprecht der Herren "Ist aufern bougar mit zveitingen".

He finishes and also looks hopeful.

Otto: we let girlfriend know.

(He shooting him. Movie of German sdentists.)

Voice Over: however by December their hoax was ready, and Hitler offered the order because that the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.

(Cut come 1940"s wartime radio collection with pair anxiously listening come it.)

Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and also von vas... Assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.

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(Radio bunts into "Deutschland Uber Alles". The couple look at every other and also then in empty amazement in ~ the radio. Reduced to modern BBC 2 interview. The commentator in a backwoods glade.)

Commentator (Eric Idle): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke war was banned in ~ a special session the the Geneva Convention, and in I950 the last staying copy of the hoax was laid come rest right here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on i m sorry is written: "To the unknown Joke". Camera traction away progressively through idyllic setting. Patriotic music get crescendo.)